Don’t Forget to Yell for Help If You Need It
A Reminder that Owning Your Authority Doesn’t Mean Disowning Your Needs
There is a lot to learn when you start practicing any form of distributed authority. Especially if you want the learning to be more than surface-level. You’ll have to experiment with new ways of getting things done. You’ll have to become more aware and listen more carefully. And not just to others, but also to yourself.
Especially when it comes to asking for help. For some people, it’s easy. For others, not so much. But regardless of where you are on that spectrum, I’ve noticed one consistent pattern when someone first starts working in a self-managed team: give them full authority over something, and they tend to stop asking for help even if they need it.
New partners in my company, for example, almost always fall into this trap. They may struggle behind-the-scenes for months while outwardly trying to present themselves as completely in control and dependable.
On one level, this phenomenon makes sense. Once you’ve been granted stewardship over something, you tend to feel responsible for it. And you can’t really step-up and lead without leaving behind some supports behind you.
But on another level, this kind of total independence is an illusion. It’s not really autonomy; it’s more like help-aversion. It’s as if we believe that we can’t properly express leadership without turning away any wisdom or guidance that wasn’t self-generated.
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This misconception needs to be corrected. And I covered this topic briefly in my article about the four hacks every Holacracy® role-filler should know (i.e. just because you’re in the role doesn’t mean you’ll do the work). But this point goes beyond just impacting the execution of team or organization.
It also means that people suffer more than they need to. They suffer in the shadows and they suffer alone. Drowning, but afraid to scream. Falling, but afraid to reach out.
And I was reminded of this when I stumbled upon the following quote, because even though I don’t know its original context, it fits perfectly with the uncomfortable experience of stepping into your own power and leadership…
So, let this be a reminder to anyone who needs it. Self-management shouldn’t mean pathological self-reliance. It shouldn’t mean people must sink or swim on their own. Owning your authority doesn’t mean disowning your needs.
If anything, owning one’s authority means we should be more comfortable asking each other for help. Of course it doesn’t always feel that way.
So, even if you’re not comfortable asking for help, or if you’re brand new and you’re not sure the best way to ask for help, do it anyway. Advocating for your own needs can feel uncomfortable. So, ask for help uncomfortably. Asking for help makes you feel vulnerable. So, ask for it with vulnerability. Just make sure you do something.
And anyone that makes you feel bad for doing so, or deflects by accusing you of “projecting” or, “acting like a victim,” has their own issues, because while not everyone will be able to help you when you get stuck, and not everyone will want to, most people will.
They just need to know you need it.
